


Adventures In Raising A Five Year Old Anti-Christ

by Teacup_pirate



Series: Ineffable Parents [9]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Aziraphale Hoards All the Genders, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is the Principality of the LGBTQ+ community, But don't worry it's not Crowley and Aziraphale, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Fierce Drag Queen, Fluff, Gabriel is an ass, Genderfluid Aziraphale (Good Omens), Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), He/Him Pronouns For Aziraphale (Good Omens), He/Him Pronouns For Crowley (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Partners, Ineffable Wives (Good Omens), Kid Fic, M/M, Other, Raising the anti-christ, She/Her Pronouns for Aziraphale (Good Omens), She/Her Pronouns for Crowley (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Aziraphale (Good Omens), Tooth-Rotting Fluff, ineffable parents, mentions of divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23751550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teacup_pirate/pseuds/Teacup_pirate
Summary: Adam and Warlock turn five, and change is in the air.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Ineffable Parents [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1574878
Comments: 10
Kudos: 52





	Adventures In Raising A Five Year Old Anti-Christ

Adam and Warlock were enjoying an afternoon birthday nap together in Crowley’s flat after a long morning at the zoo. The adults had settled in the living room and Aziraphale brought the group tea.

“Anathema dear, you look tired. I’m sure the boys won’t mind if you join them,” Aziraphale commented as she handed a cup of tea to the witch.

“Oh! Um, no. Thank you.” Anathema was in a sort of daze as she took the tea.

“You’re worried about something,” Crowley pressed as she received her cup of tea from her wife.

Aziraphale looked from Crowley to Anathema and back again before she settled on the couch next to her demon. Anathema sighed and took a sip of her tea as she looked between the angel and demon pair.

“I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve spent the last three nights combing through Agnes’s book,” Anathema confessed. “I’ve been looking for an answer to something that has come up.”

“Is it about Adam or Warlock?” Crowley asked, keeping her tone even.

“Warlock specifically, although it will effect Adam.” Anathema worried her bottom lip. 

Aziraphale was now puzzled and cocked her head to the side slightly in confusion. Crowley put her tea on the nearby table and took Aziraphale’s in preparation for the news about to come. Crowley then gave Aziraphale a hand to squeeze, knowing the angel would need to occupy her hands somehow.

“The Dowlings are filing for a divorce before Christmas,” Anathema said in a rush and drowned it in a large gulp of tea.

Aziraphale squeezed Crowley’s hand and gave a small gasp. Crowley seemed unsurprised but gave Aziraphale’s hand a return squeeze in comfort.

“They haven’t told him yet. I’m afraid the press will find out before he does.” Anathema focused on her finger as she traced the rim of her teacup.

“And what exactly will happen to Warlock?” Crowley asked in Aziraphale’s stead, as the angel worried her bottom lip.

“Once the family returns to the States for winter holidays we will be remaining there until the divorce is settled. This includes the custody battle over Warlock.” Anathema looked up to the concerned couple as their reactions played across their faces.

“Darling, do you think Hell has a hand in this?” Aziraphale asked Crowley as she gave the captured hand a few squeezes.

“Possibly. I’ll go to head office and report in tomorrow,” Crowley offered.

“And what about you, Anathema dear? What happens to you during the custody battle?” Aziraphale was now bolder with asking questions; raising the Anti-Christ in secret for five years can do that to an angel. 

“I’m going to do what I can to stay in Warlock’s life. Plus I doubt either of the Dowlings really want to raise him on their own.” Anathema felt a bit calmer as she took another sip of tea and relaxed back into her chair. 

========

Lord Beelzebub raised a scowling eyebrow in Crowley’s direction as the serpent sauntered into the office and lounged in the small chair opposite of them.

“What do you want, Crowley?” Lord Beelzebub was the first to speak.

“I have a report on the Anti-Christ,” Crowley stated her business first, “and I was in town.”

Lord Beelzebub gave an eye-roll and motioned for Crowley to continue.

“The Ambassador and his wife are getting a divorce later this year. It is going to be a nasty one. Americans in power always take their time and make it as public as possible. The boy is going to get bounced between the two of them as they fight.”

“Count thiz az a gain, Crowley.” Lord Beelzebub was quite disinterested in the conversation. “Dizzz mizzed.”

Crowley was confused, suspicious, and quite put off by his superior’s nonchalant demeanor. But Crowley did not want to press further and risk showing her own hand of cards. Crowley fashionably slunk out of the room and made her way back home. 

=================

It was early December and a lazy morning at the cottage. Both Crowley and Aziraphale were soaking in the rest and relaxation now before their respective head offices decided to send them large lists of assignments. It was this way every year as Christmas drew nearer. The wonder and stress of the holidays made humans easy targets for both offices to get in those last souls before the end of the year. As a result, the family didn’t celebrate any winter holidays. 

Aziraphale looked up from her book as Crowley and Adam sauntered into the living room from the plant room. Aziraphale smiled fondly as she remembered the first time they had walked like twins, she had gotten home from seeing to her part of the Arrangement, and it had been her welcome home gift. Crowley and Adam crashed into the couch, Adam between his two mothers, and Aziraphale put her book down to give them her full attention.

“Are the plants properly terrified now?” Aziraphale asked as Adam moved from the couch and crawled into the angel’s lap. 

“Yeap!” Adam enthused, popping the ‘p’ at the end of the word like Crowley would.

Aziraphale smiled brighter as she began to card her fingers through Adam’s loose curls. Once Adam was settled in his Mama’s lap, Aziraphale looked meaningfully over at Crowley. Crowley heaved a sigh, which immediately made Adam turn his head in confusion at Crowley.

“Adam, there is something we have been wanting to tell you,” Crowley started as she scooted closer, taking the space on the couch that Adam had sat on for a second. “You know how Warlock goes away to see his parents’ family this time of year?”

Adam nodded soberly, but let Crowley continue as Aziraphale gently stroked Adam’s hair. 

Crowley swallowed. “He’s going to be away for a while. His parents aren’t going to be together anymore and they have to figure out who he is going to stay with.”

“He can stay with us!” Adam exclaimed in excitement, thinking his statement would fix the problem.

Aziraphale hugged Adam, “Dearest, that is a brilliant idea!”

Crowley looked somber as she watched the loves of her long life smile at each other and then turn twin gazes on her, both with pleading eyes. Both faces fell when they looked on the demon’s expression, and Adam wiggled out of Aziraphale’s lap to crawl into Crowley’s.

“Darling?” Aziraphale’s voice cracked quietly and subtly.

Crowley held out a finger as she struggled to get her mobile out of her tight pants pocket and dialed Anathema. 

“Hello?” Anathema answered after the third ring.

“Anathema, it’s Antonia. Can you talk?” Crowley used her free arm to wrap it around Adam.

Anathema turned off the tap for Warlock’s bath and sat on its ledge. “Sure. What’s up?”

“Is it possible for us to adopt Warlock?” Crowley asked a bit desperately.

Anathema hummed, “I will have to look into it.”

“Alright. Thanks,” Crowley said before she hung up the phone.

Aziraphale and Adam were giving Crowley those hopeful puppy eyes again after she hung up. Crowley sighed and delivered the uncertain news. 

=========

Aziraphale, Crowley, and Adam were braving the cold and the busy shops of London to acquire departing gifts for Anathema and Warlock. The divorce was already official by the time Anathema had inquired about Warlock’s adoption status, so all Anathema could do was secure her own lawyer. The last thing the witch wanted was for either Dowling lawyer to start the argument on who had hired her as the boy’s nanny and have her removed.

Crowley was in a tech store while Aziraphale and Adam went a few shops down to a toy store to look for a gift for Warlock. The bundled duo passed a large shop window with an ornate nativity scene, and something caught Adam’s eye which caused him to stop. 

“What is it, Adam?” Aziraphale asked as she stood next to him, his hand tightly grasped in hers.

“Was that you?” Adam asked as he pointed to the angel depicted on the roof of the manger. 

“No, dearest,” Aziraphale replied calmly as she looked at the figure which looked nothing like the real thing. 

“Why not? Mummy says you’re the best angel Heaven has.” Adam looked curiously up at his Mama.

A passerby cooed in appreciation as they overheard Adam’s words, but they didn’t stop for any context as they continued on with their own shopping. Aziraphale gave a small smile and leaned down to give Adam a kiss on the top of his head.

“Mama was busy on the other side of the world,” Aziraphale explained as Adam turned his attention back towards the toy shop.

“Then who was it?” Adam asked as they resumed walking.

“Gabriel,” Aziraphale breathed as, speak the devil’s name and he shall come, she spotted that exact angel coming towards them.

“Adam, you are going to have to trust Mama okay?” Aziraphale said hurriedly as Gabriel continued his beeline towards them.

“Okay Mama,” Adam affirmed confusedly, but he gripped Aziraphale’s hand tighter in response to her nerves. 

“Aziraphale! Oh, I see you changed your form again,” Gabriel greeted with a disapproving frown.

“Gabriel, children trust women more easily, and this young boy has gotten lost. I was taking him to the authorities,” Aziraphale explained just as Adam started an act of crying and sniffling. 

Gabriel turned his attention down to the noise that had started at Aziraphale’s side and scowled in disgust. Gabriel bristled and put on his nice guy facade as he reached into his jacket.

“Fine. Here is your end of the year assignment list. The tasks are listed according to priority,” Gabriel said as he handed a very thick manila envelope to Aziraphale. 

Aziraphale took the envelope and as she worked to get it into the purse on her shoulder, Gabriel turned away and slipped back into the crowd before disappearing altogether. When Aziraphale was sure the other angel was gone, Aziraphale crouched down and pulled Adam into a tight hug.

“Oh my dearest, I am so proud of you,” Aziraphale cooed as she calmed down, using Adam as her center of focus.

“I don’t like him,” Adam said as he hugged his Mama back. “He makes you feel bad.”

Aziraphale took a deep breath. “I know Adam. You have to promise not to tell him who you are or what Mummy and I are to you. He would hurt all of us if he found out. Okay? Can you do that for me my brave boy?”

“I promise! Anything for you Mama! I love you!” Adam said with a big smile because he wanted his angelic parent to cheer up.

“I love you too,” Aziraphale said before peppering Adam’s face with kisses, “Now shall we resume our quest for Warlock’s present?”

“Warlock needs a Shem too!” Adam exclaimed excitedly, having decided what he wanted to pick out on the trip from the cottage. Adam still had his stuffed unicorn from when he was a toddler, and he still snuggled it when either parent was away on assignment. 

=============

The family huddled together on the couch, Adam was already dressed in his pajamas and had Shem tightly grasped. A new laptop was perched on a flat table in front of the trio, application open and ready to communicate. Crowley had set everything up. As the icon on the screen bounced, Crowley leaned forward and answered the video call. 

The call connected and soon Warlock and Anathema appeared on the screen, both waving enthusiastically. Warlock had his Shem unicorn hugged to his chest as he sat in Anathema’s lap. The adults let the boys talk until it was Adam’s bedtime. 

As Aziraphale tucked Adam and Shem into the bed, Adam spoke up, “When can we do that again?”

“As often as we can, dearest,” Aziraphale reassured before kissing Adam on the forehead. 

“Sleep well. We love you,” Crowley said before leaning down and also giving Adam a kiss on the forehead. 

“I love you too! Night night!” Adam gave a sleepy smile before he closed his eyes.

=============

It was nearly New Year’s Eve, and both head offices were usually quiet, but this year was different. Crowley was off on a last minute assignment, so Adam and Aziraphale were at the resource center. Adam was happily coloring in Aziraphale’s favorite armchair while the angel held a private conference in the office. 

The door to the center opened and a cold gust of wind entered along with the visitor. Most of the people there did not even recognize that someone had entered, other than to reflexively shiver at the temporary chill. Adam noticed the visitor and a small gasp left his lips before he pulled the coloring book up to his face as if he was reading it like a normal book, doing his best to look inconspicuous. Purple eyes scanned the room, and not finding what he was looking for, asked what he deemed the most important question at the moment in a tone of great authority. 

“Where is Aziraphale?” Gabriel asked the room of people who were decidedly ignoring him.

“Who?” replied a husky voice which belonged to a burly drag queen sitting closest to Gabriel.

“Aziraphale. The owner of this place.” Gabriel could not keep his snide tone at bay as he vaguely gestured around the center. 

The queen stood, and squared up to Gabriel. “I will not allow you to dead name Az in their own place.”

“What are you talking about?” Gabriel’s confusion mixed with a disgusted snarl.

“That’s quite enough Jolene. I will take it from here.” Aziraphale’s voice was calm and commanding as it interrupted the scene.

“Are you sure Az? I can get a nail replaced before my next show if I break one on his face,” Jolene offered as they took a step aside. 

“That is very generous of you, dear, but unnecessary. Gabriel, please, we can speak in my office.” Aziraphale motioned through the doorway of the office. 

As the office door closed, Jolene took their seat but watched the door intently. Adam scooted out of the large armchair and walked across the room to tap gently on Jolene’s knee.

“Mama’s gonna be alright,” Adam tried to reassure the adult.

“Who is that guy anyway?” Jolene asked as they looked between Adam and the office door.

“Dunno. But Mummy says he’s stupid,” Adam clapped a hand over his mouth in shock as the words came tumbling out. “Uh oh. I’m not supposed to say that.”

Jolene could not help put laugh at Adam’s innocence. “It’s alright, honey. I won’t tell anyone.”

Adam relaxed a bit and blew out a sigh of relief before giving Jolene a happy smile and wave before he headed back to his armchair to resume coloring. Jolene relaxed as well and went back to working on the playlist for their next gig.

The meeting between the angels did not take long, and Gabriel was soon exiting the resource center without further incident. Aziraphale remained in the office to make some phone calls. The first was to one of the other counselors to see if they could cover the rest of the day. The next was to the only other person they trusted in London. 

“You’ve reached Eve Appleseed. How can I help you today?” Eve answered her office phone without looking at the number.

“Eve dear! It’s Zira Fell. I have a favor to ask.” Aziraphale was in slight panic mode as they twirled the phone’s cord with a finger.

“Is everything alright? You sound frantic Zira.” Eve sat up more in her chair, concerned. 

“Antonia is out of town on business, and I had something come up. I can’t take Adam with me. Can you come to the resource center and watch him? I hope to be back tonight, but I don’t know for sure yet.”

“Oh! Of course! See you soon!” Eve said hurriedly before she hung up the phone. 

Aziraphale blew out a sigh of relief and then immediately switched to their mobile and texted Crowley the important details. Aziraphale then went to the office door and called for Adam for a family conference.

The replacement counselor was first to arrive and they settled into their normal work routine. Aziraphale and Adam waited patiently for Eve, who arrived another ten minutes later. Eve bustled in the door, her hastily wrapped scarf not covering her face as she announced her arrival in a puff of breath.

“Hello Eve! Come up stairs and I will get you two settled in,” Aziraphale cooed as she tickled Adam who was in their lap.

Adam laughed and squirmed as he shimmied off his parent’s lap. As Eve crossed the distance towards Aziraphale and Adam, Adam ran over to give Eve’s legs a big hug. Eve smiled down at Adam and brushed fingers through his hair.

“I missed you too. How are you?” Eve asked Adam as he smiled up at her. 

“I’m okay!” Adam replied as he let her legs go and took one of her hands instead. 

Aziraphale was next to give Eve a hug and the trio made their way to the flat upstairs. Aziraphale briefly reoriented Eve with the flat. She had seen it when they were working on converting the bookshop, but had not really visited or stayed. Aziraphale gave Eve and Adam long hugs before leaving the duo to their devises. 

“So what do you want to do?” Eve asked as the door closed behind Aziraphale.

“Let’s paint!” Adam suggested enthusiastically as he pulled her towards a corner of the living room by a window. 

Adam opened a large trunk and attempted to gather a large plastic tarp out from the top. He managed to lift it out and drop it on the floor before pausing to catch his breath. Adam then started to unfold the mass and Eve was quick to catch on and help spread the plastic on the floor. Adam went back to the trunk and fished out a large oblong book and handed it to Eve as she sat down on the plastic. Eve took the book and looked at it, interest piqued as Adam went back to fishing around in his art trunk.

“Pick a picture, Auntie!”

Eve could not help but smile and read the cover before opening it, Masterpieces Over the Ages: An Introduction to the Masterpieces of the World. Eve took her time looking through the book, each picture had a biography of the artist and history of the paining on the opposite page. Adam finished setting up his paints, brushes, and paper on the floor and plopped down next to Eve.

“Find one?” Adam asked as he peered at the page she was currently looking at.

“There are so many to choose from, how do you choose?” Eve asked as she flipped the page.

“Mummy uses the date, and Mama uses the artist. There is an index,” Adam suggested. 

Eve closed the book and reopened it to the back to find her favorite artist in the index before she flipped to the page. As Eve spread open the book Adam clapped in approval.

“I haven’t in..ter..pret..ted,” Adam sounded out the long word, “this one yet! Will you read it to me?”

Eve read the artist biography and history of the painting to Adam before relinquishing the book to him so he could lay it out next to work station. Eve retreated to comfortable couch to watch Adam, absently playing on her mobile. After scrolling on her social media and playing all her apps until she was out of either energy or lives, Adam finished his painting and called Eve over to take a look. 

“That’s quite marvelous Adam! You’re a great painter!” Eve praised as she looked between Adam’s work and the painting in the book.

Adam beamed up at Eve and said, “I made it for you! It can go in your new office!” 

“I’ll need to get a frame for it then. So what now? Do you want to paint more?”

Adam shook his head side to side before he gave an answer, “Cleanup time. Then lunch!”

Eve’s stomach gave a growl in agreement and she helped Adam gather up his painting supplies and gingerly transfer them from the plastic and into the kitchen. Adam pulled a step stool up to the sink and started to wash his things as Eve looked through the refrigerator. There was still quite a bit of prepared food left from Aziraphale’s Arrangement stockpile, and Eve had quite the selection to choose from. Adam set aside his art supplies to dry and immediately started to set the table as Eve started the reheating process for the food items she had chosen for them.

After lunch and subsequent cleanup, Adam bounded over to the entertainment center and chose a disc, asking Eve to play it. Eve took a moment to get familiar with the technology as Adam rushed headlong to the couch and started to make a nest from the assortment of pillows Aziraphale always kept on it. Once he settled, Adam grabbed the afghan from the back of the couch and started to cocoon himself as Eve found her own comfy spot on the couch. Eve started up the disc and the soothing sounds of the ocean washed over the speakers as Blue Planet started to play. Both were entranced as the documentary played, Adam abandoned his pillow pile to snuggle next to Eve at some point and both fell into a nap. When they woke up, the disc was on the main menu.

For the rest of the afternoon they played various games together. As the sun set, Adam and Eve were dancing to the record player upstairs when both Crowley and Aziraphale came home.

===================

Things calmed down and life returned to normal for the family. That is, until Crowley and Aziraphale had to register Adam for primary school.

“This is worse than Hell’s paperwork. Dagon will be upset if they find out,” Crowley complained as the two of them had to forge all sorts of documentation for Adam.

“Once we finish this, I promise you can take a long nap, darling. It looks like Adam is doing his best to wear himself out to join you,” Aziraphale said as he looked out the dining room window to see Adam riding his tricycle in rampant circles around in the backyard. 

Crowley ran a hand through his tangle of curls and took a deep breath to steady himself. “Alright Angel, what is Adam’s last name going to be?”

“Of course you start with the hard question,” Aziraphale huffed before returning his stare out the window to their son.

“Old habits, Angel,” Crowley commented as he looked out the window as well.

“I’m sorry, love,” Aziraphale turned his attention over to Crowley and put a hand palm up on the table. 

“S’alright,” Crowley said as he made eye and hand contact.

Aziraphale gave Crowley a small smile. “How about Appleseed? Like Eve?”

“Its like trying to use Device after Anathema. I think it will get too complicated.” Crowley gave Aziraphale’s hand a squeeze.

“So something original,” Aziraphale mused, “Adam is our son, our baby….”

“Angel, I think you are onto something,” Crowley interjected. “What do they call babies on those nature shows you let Adam watch?”

“It really depends on the species darling.” Aziraphale did not follow Crowley’s line of thought.

“In general,” Crowley prompted as he tried to wrack his own brain.

Aziraphale blinked a moment. “Young.”

“Adam Young. What do you think?” Crowley asked, smile wide on his face.

“Beautiful,” Aziraphale said as he pulled Crowley’s arm slightly to give the captured hand a kiss on the knuckles. 

Crowley blushed slightly and turned his attention back to the mass of paperwork piled on the table. Aziraphale released Crowley’s hand and they divided the paperwork. They could mimic each other’s handwriting and signatures, a skill learned early in the Arrangement, so it did not matter which document needed to be forged with which penmanship. Once the paperwork was done and put away, Aziraphale called Adam inside and they all took a nap together.

**Author's Note:**

> This is [witchy_teacup](/users/%5Bwitchy_teacup%5D/), teacup_pirate's wife. I'm posting this for her while she's at work, so be sure to let her know what you think of it!
> 
> She apologizes for the wait between updates, but we're both considered "essential" workers, so it's been crazy on our end since this whole pandemic thing kicked off. But never fear, she's doing her best to carve out time to write!
> 
> Stay safe and well, my dears!


End file.
